


Reasons don't matter if it's a matter of the heart

by ColorblindCity



Category: Glee
Genre: M/M, New York City, Season/Series 04, and Finn never went to the army, and is doing college normally, but don't worry this isn't a finchel friendly story, finn's pov, oh and Finn and Rachel did get married, slowly going from brothers to lovers, somewhat canon, without the whole blaine cheated crap
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-11-15
Updated: 2012-11-15
Packaged: 2017-11-18 17:33:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/563621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ColorblindCity/pseuds/ColorblindCity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Actually, the more he thinks about it, the more he realizes that Kurt had no part in it at all. </p>
<p>It was all Finn’s doing, Finn with his broken heart and broken hopes and broken dreams and no future. Still, he tries to convince himself that it was not because his wife and high school sweetheart left him, and he tries to convince himself that he wasn’t drunk on memories and regrets when he first slipped into Kurt’s room in the middle of the night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reasons don't matter if it's a matter of the heart

**Author's Note:**

> so this happened. i don't know exactly where it came from and i can't assure there's more coming, but i can tell you that it started off as two paragraphs and morphed into this thing in the course of a few months, so who knows, there might actually be more coming.

He sees glimpses of it.

There’s Blaine, of course, and for a brief time that Chandler dude.

But you never forget your first love, not really. He knows that firsthand.

He can’t imagine what it would be like being family with Quinn, even though she’s been mostly cool since she got past her bitch phase.

He still wonders, though. What if she had had his baby instead of Puck’s? What if he’d have stayed in Ohio raising Drizzle with her? Would he still love her as much as he did then? Would they be happy?

And just like he sometimes looks at Quinn and feels this twitching in his chest, he sometimes catches this thing in Kurt’s eyes, this soft little non-brotherly spark.

He is over her, but that doesn’t stop him from thinking about her like _that_ , every now and then.

So, no, you never forget your first love. And Finn sees glimpses of it, whenever he says something particularly stupid that Kurt finds endearing. Behind the fond, condescending smile, Kurt’s eyes do this _thing_ that Finn really doesn’t know how to describe -and he never lets himself look into them long enough to really appreciate it-, they seem to be saying something along the lines of _you’re adorable_ and _so this is what I liked about you_.

Finn files this under “ _Kurt’s blasts from the past”_. It used to bother him a little, make him squirm and look away before he could give signals that he saw it. He used to feel this panic that Kurt would misinterpret it as Finn coming around to the idea of gay-ness.

It wasn’t until a couple of months after Blaine came into the picture, one day when he came home early and heard weird (though unmistakable) noises from Kurt’s room, that it downed on him that Kurt had a _boyfriend_. A boyfriend with whom he talked about clothes and show tunes, a boyfriend whose opinion he’d ask if he wanted to redecorate his room, a boyfriend who held his hand in the hallway and, apparently, made out with him when their parents were gone.

It was then that he realized Kurt was in love. In love with someone who wasn’t him. And when Blaine stayed over for dinner that night and Finn saw the way Blaine simply could not keep his eyes off Kurt, Finn realized that Kurt was in love with someone who was in love with Kurt just as much.

After that, he decided he had nothing to be afraid of and stopped cowering whenever Kurt looked him in the eyes.

But he still sees glimpses of it. Whenever Kurt is upset and Finn wants to reach out and help him. Behind the shake of his head that says _stay away,_ behind the splotchy-ness and the tears, there’s this thing in his eyes that seems to be trying to tell Finn something, it sounds like a sad-angry mix of _you have no right_ _you had your chance_ _don’t do this to me now it's_ _too late_. Somehow that hurts him even more than the fact that his brother is upset.

He sees glimpses of it, of Kurt’s long forgotten crush, but somehow with all the craziness that is Rachel and her selfish dreams, he manages to keep himself from giving it the thought it deserves.

He marries her and moves to the Big Apple with her, and he can’t really say Kurt tagged along since Kurt always did have plans to go there and it would just be stupid to make their parents help pay for two different apartments. Still, it feels a bit like an intrusion, especially since him and Rachel are newlyweds and despite how busy they are with school, there’s really only one thing they want to do in their free time…

It’s a whole new level of weird trying to have sex knowing that his stepbrother is sleeping in the next room. His stepbrother who is sleeping alone because his own boyfriend is stuck in Ohio for another year.

It’s just plain sad, and although it doesn’t seem to faze Rachel, Finn just can’t help feeling sorry for him.

Things do seem a little better once Blaine is done with High School. He moves in with them and suddenly their modestly sized apartment is too crowded.

It’s odd because Blaine is such a small guy, you’d think he surely can’t take up that much space, right? It’s not that he brought in a lot of stuff, either.

It’s just the fact that there are two couples. Like, Finn never realized how obnoxious him and Rachel could be with their PDA until his brother had his own significant other around.

He catches them making out in the kitchen once, the dinner they had offered to make long forgotten. Then all four of them have a movie night and while Finn and Rachel are cuddling in the couch, Blaine is sitting in Kurt’s lap and they’re not really watching the movie at all.

But then there is this day when his alarm doesn’t go off and Rachel doesn’t think to wake him before leaving, and in his rush to get to the bathroom to take a much needed shower, he forgets to knock and God bless bathtub drapes because he totally does not want to see them doing what they are doing.

At the very least they have the decency to look apologetic during dinner that night.

And the worst part is that, no matter how uncomfortable it can be having another madly-in-love couple around, Finn is happy because there’s this healthy glow all over Kurt, he hums while he cooks and he laughs freely, loudly every time Finn does anything remotely stupid, instead of giving him a lecture about how he _should not attempt to boil water in a Tupperware_ or something.

The four of them fall into a nice routine.

Finn can actually spend time alone with Blaine when both Kurt and Rachel have something else to do, and as the year progresses they develop the kind of bromance in which they can actually ditch their significant others in favor of going to a football game together.

Kurt and Rachel don’t seem to mind, and they use this time wisely to have some semblance of what used to be their pajama parties back in High School, sometimes they’ll even have Tina or Mercedes or both in their laptop screens, and when he and Blaine get home from the game, they can hear them laughing in Rachel and Finn’s room.

In those nights, they sigh in unison and toss a coin to determine who gets the free bed, because nobody who has any appreciation for their own lives disturbs Kurt and Rachel when they are having a pajama party, and Finn and Blaine don’t have the kind of bromance where they can share a bed.

So one of them stays on the couch, the other sleeps alone and in what sometimes is a foreign bedroom. But it’s ok, because they usually get extra-affection from their other halves the next day.

There’s a whole year of this nice domesticity before everything falls apart.

And of course it happens within the time frame of college. It seems everything you never thought could happen to you happens in college.

Whether it is because they’ve been away from their parents and Friday night dinners long enough to forget they’re supposed to be stepbrothers, or because Blaine got a scholarship to go across the big pond and study in some frou-frou drama school in London for six months, or because Rachel asked for a divorce just two years into their marriage, or because when they split up she made Kurt choose between staying in their tiny first apartment with Finn or moving out with her and Kurt chose to stay (something about how much his wardrobe had grown in the past two years and how he has too much work and no time to pack all his stuff, although Finn knows better). Maybe it was all those factors combined, and if one of them had been missing then it wouldn’t have happened.

It’s significantly easier to determine which factors weren’t to blame.

He knows that, on Kurt’s part, it wasn’t the distance between him and Blaine. They got through a whole year separated back when Kurt started college, and if Finn is honest with himself, he envies the way Kurt has learned to go on with his life and not crumble into a sobbing mess at the mention of Blaine, although he guesses part of it is the fact that Kurt and Blaine are still _together,_ even when there’s an ocean between them.

He used to sit outside Kurt’s bedroom door and try to listen in on his Skype conversations with Blaine, just to try and remember what it was like being so in love with someone, with _your_ someone, the someone whose first choice was you amongst all the boys in town, the someone who held you through your worst and applauded you in your best, the someone that has stuck with you all the way…

After a few weeks of this, he forgets to remind himself that he does it to hear them as a couple in a relationship and not to hear Kurt as the person that meets his expectations in one.

And on Kurt’s part, he knows it wasn’t a heady mix of loneliness and horniness, because if he learned one thing from listening in on Kurt and Blaine’s skyping is that distance didn’t put a strain in their sex life.

Actually, the more he thinks about it, he realizes that Kurt had no part in it at all.

It was all Finn’s doing, Finn with his broken heart and broken hopes and broken dreams and no future. Still, he tries to convince himself that it was not because his wife and high school sweetheart left him, and he tries to convince himself that he wasn’t drunk on memories and regrets when he first slipped into Kurt’s room in the middle of the night.

Kurt doesn’t wake up, doesn’t so much as give a little snore or shift or mumble like Finn has heard him do once or twice. Kurt stays splayed across the bed, jaw hanging slightly open because of the lack of a pillow under his head, chest rising and falling rhythmically. There’s a bit of a frown on his face, because Kurt doesn’t know how to relax even when he’s sleeping.

Finn curls up around him awkwardly, arms and legs too long, and somehow manages to rest his head where Kurt’s chest moves from his breathing without putting too much of a strain on his own back.

He wakes up spread out, face down, his face buried in Kurt’s pillow and no sign of his stepbrother.

Kurt doesn’t bring it up all day, and Finn is so embarrassed that he keeps to his own devices for the next two weeks, only coming out of his bedroom (the one that used to be Rachel’s too) when he has heard the click of the front door being closed, and when he hears the sound of Kurt’s bedroom door locking, signaling that he’s about to spend some quality time with Blaine.

Eventually, though, the silence between them burning Finn’s heart becomes unbearable, and Finn decides he’s not going to win out in a cold shoulder contest against Kurt of all people. Besides, if there’s anything to apologize for, it’s Finn who owes it so apologize he does.

Kurt frowns and cocks his head to the side.

“That’s why you haven’t been talking to me?”

Finn nods somewhat shyly and says: “I thought you were mad at me or something.”

“Pfft,” Kurt snorts. He puts down the glass of organic orange juice he was just about to take a sip of, and he snorts some more before he composes himself and speaks. “You thought I was mad over that? Why would that make me mad? Are you serious?”

“Why did you think I wasn’t talking to you, then?”

“Oh, I just attributed it to some delayed depression wave because of what happened with _her-who-shall-not-be-named._ ”

Finn sighs and slouches. “Well, part of it. But I also thought you were kinda giving me the cold shoulder or something…”

“Finn, you’re the one who’s uncomfortable with being too close to a guy, not me. Why would I be mad?”

“I dunno, maybe because… I invaded your privacy in some way?”

“Finn, you’re my stepbrother. No, scratch that. You are my brother. You have been for… what? 4 years next November? You are entitled to some degree of privacy invasion.”

“So, for you, it’s cool that I just snuck into your bed in the middle of the night? You’re not creeped out by it? You don’t want to know why I did it?”

“It’s cool for now because Blaine is out of the country and the chances of you catching me doing something I don’t want you to catch me doing are minimal; I usually lock the door when I need privacy, that’s something you might want to apply since apparently you would be creeped out if I snuck into your bed in the middle of the night.” He says it with a chuckle, because even after 4 years next November, Kurt feels the need to somehow specify that it was a joke, that he’s not actually planning on sneaking into Finn’s bed in the middle of the night.

Finn, who is an expert on feeling without knowing, feels saddened by this, and that is what drives him to say:

“You’re my bro, dude. I wouldn’t be creeped out, I’d… you know, return the favor.”

And with that he inadvertently admits that he snuck into Kurt’s bed looking for physical comfort.

Kurt frowns, cocks his head again, and gives a confused smile. After that he lets it go and Finn gets the impression that Kurt didn’t believe him.

So the next time he sneaks into Kurt’s bed (two nights after their conversation) it’s to prove a point. He slowly pushes the door open, trying not to make too much noise, but as light trickles into the dark room inch by inch, Kurt starts stirring and Finn decides it’s time to man up.

“Dude, you awake? Can I…”

Kurt lets out a grunt and scoots to the right side of the bed, face down and pressing against a pillow that Finn’s pretty sure is Blaine’s. Finn lays down next to him, pulls over himself the half of the blanket that isn’t tangled up in Kurt’s legs, and stares up at the ceiling.

Hours pass and beside him, Kurt’s breathing evens out into that soft snoring he only does when he sleeps face down. Finn pulls his arms around himself and tries, honestly tries to let oblivion take him under, but there’s something missing.

Somehow, without realizing, he must have fallen asleep, because he wakes up tangled up in Kurt’s limbs, his face pressed against Kurt’s hair and hey! Who knew a guy could have such soft, nice smelling hair?

In his arms, Kurt continues to snore. Finn chances a look out the window, and the sky is just greying with the light of dawn (because sunrises in foggy New York are not pink and gold and he doesn’t understand why Kurt even likes New York so much), so he reigns in the yawn that could potentially awaken his brother and settles back down, knowing that when he wakes up again he’ll be cold and lonely because Kurt is such a damn early riser (and so was Rachel), and it briefly crosses Finn’s mind that it would be nice to spend a whole morning cuddling and falling in and out of sleep, just laying around in bed.

He doesn’t have time to specify to himself that he would like to do this with a girl before he is snoring again.


End file.
